Where My Heart Is

Approaching more quickly than I care to realize is a very sorrowful and painful day for my family and me.  It has been almost five years (it blows my mind to even type it) since we said "see you later" to one of the most wonderful women God ever put on this Earth.  The thought of letting her go still pains me and I still sometimes don't believe it's true.  I have been lucky since she's been gone and have had glimpses of her.  I've seen her in dreams a couple times and even had a strange encounter with her while planning my wedding.  I told my mom that I hoped I would feel her in my wedding process because she would have been all about it.  One weekend while sitting at a bridesmaids' brunch with my mom, maid of honor, mother- and sister-in law, I was chatting away when my mom said, "Marissa, listen."  What I heard brought tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain to my heart, but I smiled because it was my Nana telling me she was there and celebrating with us.  The song "When You Come Back Down" by Nickel Creek was on and this song just totally summed up the loss of my Nana for me.  In a sense, it has been my song for her since she passed and there it was playing across the speakers at Lucky 32 just asking me to hear it.

I had another such glimpse of my Nana yesterday, only this time it came in the form of smell.  I was with Justin in Walmart walking down the drink aisle when we passed an older lady who was busy shopping.  As soon as she passed us, I got smacked in the face with the exact smell of my Nana.  The woman smelled of White Diamonds perfume and slight cigarette smoke and I swear if I had closed my eyes, I would've opened them expecting my Nana to be standing right in front of me.  It was so nostalgic and I felt that all too familiar stabbing pain in my heart again.

Now as anyone who knows me knows, I love Grey's Anatomy.  You may not see the connection just yet, but let me explain.  I got home from work tonight and settled in with my dinner and Grey's Anatomy.  It just so happens that in the episode I was watching, this family had to let go of their dying mother and had to be with her as she took her final breath.  As I watched, the stabbing pain returned to my heart and tears filled my eyes and I sat on the couch sobbing with an aching heart.  I took a few moments to compose myself and I remembered with such clarity a brief conversation I had with my Nana before she left us.  She was in the hospital and as I sat next to her bed, alone with her in her hospital room (which didn't happen often).  She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and said, "Marissa, I want you to promise me something."

I told her I would promise her absolutely anything she wanted.  Again she looked at me and said, "Promise me you will never let anyone take my place in your heart."  Even still it brings tears to my eyes and that day I assured her that if something happened to her, she would take a piece of my heart with her and that no one would ever be able to fill a hole that big.  We cried a little together and mostly just loved on each other as I knew no matter what I said or did, she wouldn't be with us forever.  To this day, whenever I think of Nancy Jean Paschal, my Nana, my best friend, my confident, and my heart, I get an ache deep in my heart and it is always in the same spot...the place she took with her.  I have gotten better since she passed and don't cry every day or even every week anymore, but when I think of her, it is all I can do to contain the desperation with which I miss her.  She really was a part of me and anyone that knew her could understand why.  She was a phenomenal woman and I will continue to miss her until the day I take my last breath and join her in heaven.

"Nana"