The Love Dare

In the wake of our upcoming attempt to extend our family, Justin and I have decided to complete The Love Dare.  I had heard about this book and the movie that is linked with it (Fireproof) before, but never really thought about completing this dare.  Then the other night while finishing up my internship in the ICU, I found a website that supports the wives of firemen and they recommended this program to strengthen your marriage against the difficulties of being married to someone in this line of work.  We are fast approaching our two-year wedding anniversary and many people have told us that the first two years of marriage are the hardest.  I don't know that I would say these first two years have necessarily been hard, but we have certainly been through a lot together in this short amount of time.  I felt that we could use this book as an opportunity to learn what exactly we need from each other and how we can strengthen and create a union that is God-centered and ready to be a marriage that our future children will want to emulate.  I find myself meeting elderly couples in the hospital that have been married for many decades and whenever I meet couples like this, I always ask how they do it.  I want to know what it takes to be in it for the long haul in a society where marriages and relationships are thrown by the wayside so easily and without much effort to maintain them.  In two short years, I have learned that marriage is more than just the wedding and is something to work for.  I want my children to be able to look at me and their father and say to themselves, "That's the kind of relationship I want to have and that I deserve."

During our first two years of marriage, I have gone through nursing school and have one semester remaining,  which is trying for anyone's sanity much less a fledgling marriage.  Also, I was forced to take a pay cut to complete my nursing degree and Justin was forced to sell his beloved pick-up truck and take on even more shifts at his part-time job which not only keeps us away from each other more, but adds the stress of not seeing each other to an already heavily stressed environment.  Justin also became a full-time student and has been working toward his degree as well.  We have been tight in the finance department and had to work paycheck-to-paycheck to keep our bills paid on time and maintain the lifestyle that we enjoy.  However, during this time, I have been able to hold down a full-time job as well as be a full-time student and we have made some significant progress in getting rid of our consumer debt with the help of Dave Ramsey.  I couldn't have done any of this without Justin and although we drive each other completely nuts sometimes, we are perfect together and are able to lift each other up when the other is down.  After I read about this Love Dare and how it is meant not only for couples on the rocks but also for those looking to strengthen their relationships, I decided this would be great for us.  We are taking the opportunity to build strong the fortress of our vows to one another so that we may bring a child into this world with two parents who love and respect each other fully and unconditionally.

So, as we begin our journey through the Love Dare together, stay tuned for updates on our progress and on the life lessons we are learning that will help bolster the ties that bind us together.  I am truly looking forward to this journey and am excited to learn how to love my husband on a much deeper level before we bring a new member into this family.

Where My Heart Is

Approaching more quickly than I care to realize is a very sorrowful and painful day for my family and me.  It has been almost five years (it blows my mind to even type it) since we said "see you later" to one of the most wonderful women God ever put on this Earth.  The thought of letting her go still pains me and I still sometimes don't believe it's true.  I have been lucky since she's been gone and have had glimpses of her.  I've seen her in dreams a couple times and even had a strange encounter with her while planning my wedding.  I told my mom that I hoped I would feel her in my wedding process because she would have been all about it.  One weekend while sitting at a bridesmaids' brunch with my mom, maid of honor, mother- and sister-in law, I was chatting away when my mom said, "Marissa, listen."  What I heard brought tears to my eyes and a stabbing pain to my heart, but I smiled because it was my Nana telling me she was there and celebrating with us.  The song "When You Come Back Down" by Nickel Creek was on and this song just totally summed up the loss of my Nana for me.  In a sense, it has been my song for her since she passed and there it was playing across the speakers at Lucky 32 just asking me to hear it.

I had another such glimpse of my Nana yesterday, only this time it came in the form of smell.  I was with Justin in Walmart walking down the drink aisle when we passed an older lady who was busy shopping.  As soon as she passed us, I got smacked in the face with the exact smell of my Nana.  The woman smelled of White Diamonds perfume and slight cigarette smoke and I swear if I had closed my eyes, I would've opened them expecting my Nana to be standing right in front of me.  It was so nostalgic and I felt that all too familiar stabbing pain in my heart again.

Now as anyone who knows me knows, I love Grey's Anatomy.  You may not see the connection just yet, but let me explain.  I got home from work tonight and settled in with my dinner and Grey's Anatomy.  It just so happens that in the episode I was watching, this family had to let go of their dying mother and had to be with her as she took her final breath.  As I watched, the stabbing pain returned to my heart and tears filled my eyes and I sat on the couch sobbing with an aching heart.  I took a few moments to compose myself and I remembered with such clarity a brief conversation I had with my Nana before she left us.  She was in the hospital and as I sat next to her bed, alone with her in her hospital room (which didn't happen often).  She looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes and said, "Marissa, I want you to promise me something."

I told her I would promise her absolutely anything she wanted.  Again she looked at me and said, "Promise me you will never let anyone take my place in your heart."  Even still it brings tears to my eyes and that day I assured her that if something happened to her, she would take a piece of my heart with her and that no one would ever be able to fill a hole that big.  We cried a little together and mostly just loved on each other as I knew no matter what I said or did, she wouldn't be with us forever.  To this day, whenever I think of Nancy Jean Paschal, my Nana, my best friend, my confident, and my heart, I get an ache deep in my heart and it is always in the same spot...the place she took with her.  I have gotten better since she passed and don't cry every day or even every week anymore, but when I think of her, it is all I can do to contain the desperation with which I miss her.  She really was a part of me and anyone that knew her could understand why.  She was a phenomenal woman and I will continue to miss her until the day I take my last breath and join her in heaven.

"Nana"

Bundle of Nerves

As anyone who might actually read this blog knows, I am a nursing student in my last year and even though this is not exactly the path I thought my life would be taking, this is the path I am on.  In the nursing program I am in, the first semester is sixteen weeks and the last one is sixteen weeks.  Everything in the middle is an eight-week mini-mester.  I am currently in my next-to-last mini-mester and I must admit that as this class is drawing to a close with my final this coming Tuesday, I am starting to get pretty nervous about this next class.

You see, the person who teaches my next class already dislikes me because I interrupted her class a few weeks ago (in my defense, I didn't know she had asked her class to come in early).  On top of this, she is known to be a complete and utter witch and I have heard through the grapevine that she likes to target one or two students and make their life miserable for the duration of her class.  Needless to say, I am nervous.  I talk this big game about how I don't care what she does or says to me and that I will tell her what I am really thinking if that's the kind of reaction she is wanting, but in reality I am planning on going into her class and keeping my mouth shut and my head down.  I would prefer she not know my name and that she even forget that I exist.  I desperately need to hurry up and graduate and am anxiously awaiting getting to December so that I may leave this school and move on to greener pastures and better jobs. 

I am hoping and praying that God keeps his strong arm around my shoulder and an even stronger hand over my mouth.  It has been said that this lady makes people cry by picking on them in front of patients in the hospital, calling them out in front of hospital staff, and talking down to them like they are complete morons.  Now, I know I talk a big game, but I can assure you there will be no tears shed on my part and I will not be wasting my time fretting about her.  Karma is a you-know-what and what goes around comes around.  She can pick on and put down whomever she likes and she use whatever excuse she wants to as to why she is doing it and why it's acceptable, but it is in no way acceptable and while I may not say anything out of simple determination to be through, you best believe that the way she treats people (namely students) will come back to her.

In closing, I am asking for prayers from whoever might be reading this.  Pray that I know when to keep my mouth shut, keep a positive attitude, and keep my studies under control while also trying to hold down a full-time job.  I think I will need prayers more than ever in this next class and I know that my God will be keeping a close eye on me.  Counting down until graduation is the biggest understatement ever.  I am excited about getting out of school, being a nurse, possibly putting my undergraduate degree to good use, and finding a job where I can make decent money to support my family while also making a difference in someone's life.  I just have to keep repeating this prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Amen.

Study Buddies

Today is test day in the nursing program and I have been studying for several hours now.  While my brain should be focusing on mental health medications and organ donation, I find myself constantly thinking about the whole conception business and honestly, my dogs.  I made our pre-conception counseling appointment this morning and now I feel like it is becoming quite real.  Justin and I have three dogs and a cat who appear often in my blog posts and Instagram posts.  We have a basset hound named Maggie, a pug named Gracie, a blue tick-beagle mix named Beau, and a black cat named Harry who we love very dearly and treat like children most times.  These babies are quite spoiled and are very good study buddies when you are home alone on test day.  The Chew is on television, my notes are laying all over the coffee table, and the kids are all snoozing away (two in the recliner with me, one on the couch, and one in my bed).

As I sit here in the quiet, taking a break from studying, I am busy thinking about how our life will change when there is a baby in this house.  I mentioned earlier that our kids are pretty spoiled and being that they are all around three years old, they can be a little rambunctious sometimes.  I keep hearing that we won't be able to have them around a baby and that they will have to become outside dogs, but I just can't imagine having a life without all of my kids in the house.  I pray that they will calm down and that a baby will just fit seamlessly into our chaotic life here and that if our baby is exposed to the noise and occasional madness early on, they will be used to and it won't affect them.  One of my very best friends has three young daughters and her youngest was born in May while the other two were still only 2 and 4 years old.  Needless to say, children under the age of five can be quite boisterous and loud and really have no concept of a baby needing quiet in the house.  So rather than suppress the older girls and/or keep the baby away from their antics, my best friend would have her baby sleeping soundly in a bassinet in the kitchen while she was cooking or cleaning and the other girls were running around and playing and screaming and the baby just became accustomed to the noise and even now is able to sleep through the sometimes craziness around her.  I guess I just need to continue praying that my baby will be able to adjust to the madness and adapt to the sound of dogs barking.

Here's hoping!!

Operation Baby Hite Begins

So to say this is surreal would be a dramatic understatement.  I had a gynecologist appointment this morning and when filling out my pre-appointment paperwork, I answered the question, "Do you plan to become pregnant within the next 12 months?" with a YES.  As I sat in the exam room talking to my nurse practitioner, we were going over my health and medications and such when she brought up the subject of pregnancy.  She informed me that to start trying for a baby in the summer, my husband and I would need to attend a pre-conception counseling session around the end of April or first of May and that I would need to stop taking my birth control around this time as well to give my body time to get the birth control out of my system. 

While this is probably the most exciting visit to the gynecologist I've ever had, it is also one of the most unnerving.  I am so ready to be a mother and have had baby fever pretty bad over about the past year, but having my nurse practitioner actually going over pregnancy information with me made it all so real.  I have talked to Justin about it and we are prepared for the journey we are about to embark on together.  It is bizarre to think that as I prepare myself for my twenty-sixth birthday in a few days that I might be carrying a child this time next year. 

As Justin and I gear up for this journey, I just pray that we have no complications and that everything goes smoothly during this time.  I can't wait to update this blog as we progress through the baby-making/having process.  Stay tuned and follow me as I travel through the planning phase and into the practice/conception phase and on into the pregnancy phase!

Back in Action

Well...I know I keep commenting on my delinquency with posting, but between school and work there isn't much time for blogging...or so I tell myself.  I find that I may need to get back on my blog more frequently as it provides an outlet for me to vent or at least get my head a little emptier.  It's been awhile since I made a post and my posts prior to that were less than consistent.  I am making a vow now to get back on my blog and actually keep it up.  I want this to be a place where I can talk about great books I'm reading, frustrations with school, recipes I might have tried, Jesus moments I may experience, and other musings I feel like someone else might can relate to or appreciate.

Until next time folks!

Welcome Back

Wow!  What a slacker I have been, not that anyone probably reads this blog.  School and work have gotten crazy and starting a new job has been insanity during school.  On a brighter note, I have figured out what kind of nurse I want to be!  I am officially in love with delivering babies.  After doing my rotation through OB/Peds, I have decided that Labor & Delovery is just the place for me. 

Some people find delivering babies to be icky and gross, but not this girl!  There is something about watching a baby come into this world and taking it's first breath that brings butterflies to my stomach and puts a smile on my face.  While I haven't experienced the negative side of L&D, I know that this will be another set of emotions that I would have to learn to cope with.  I feel like working in those situations, you have to either be distant and not let anything get to you or be big-hearted and be able to help the family grieve and be there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.  I would fall into the latter category and am proud of it!

All in all, my OB experience was wonderful and the thought of leaving it next week is quite sad to me.  As I move on to another med-surg experience, I will once again be praying for guidance and wisdom on how to make this stuff click and how to get through this program without losing my mind.  Here's hoping all goes well!  I'll keep y'all posted!